I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
