If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
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