If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Reggie can tackle my bush.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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