respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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