so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
