How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
