U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
