I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
