hotel room ftw
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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