fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
