I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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