I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
