I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
