Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
