Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
