insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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