I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
