I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I just had sex on a roof
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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