Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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