Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
