I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
