I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
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I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
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you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.