Just cropdusted the office
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.