i'm signing you up for texting rehab
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
