i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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