You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
