I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
