when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
i think i just lost a toe
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
