the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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