Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I looked at my own cervix.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
