Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
You're like the curious george of whores
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
