Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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