im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Blood and glitter go together right?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
