I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
