I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
