apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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