anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
