I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
