His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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