; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
