I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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