Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
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