hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
