god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.