My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is