She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
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