I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
When are your genitals available?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
