My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
3pm strippers are depressing
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
