He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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