If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
