it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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