I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
