Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
This house was built for laser tag.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
