update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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