I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
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I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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