just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
