even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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