if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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