My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
