She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
